The Other Side of Doubt

Tuesday 1-19-2010

My very good friend Sally always says that when she feels resistance she interprets it as a sign that she is moving in the right direction. She says when she pushes through the resistance, she is often awed and inspired by the perfect gift she receives from the Universe having had the faith to persevere.

Today was yoga class #3. It was the first day of meeting during the week as intended. The last two weeks had been shifted to the Saturday class, one an act of Mother Nature (blizzard) the other an act of Motherhood (kindergarten round-up). In the interim, the class I had originally signed up for had disintegrated due to a mix of scheduling conflicts and medical restrictions of the other members. I was left with the option of staying with Saturday or, maybe, squeezing into an evening class. There were no other Hyp-Yoga classes during the day during the week.

Despite the days, weeks, months, and even years of commitments, distractions, other priorities and so on that would fall into the category of resistance that has kept me from this quest, for blogging sake, let's start the resistance discussion at this scheduling change. I had that internal conversation with myself that we all have concurrently with an external conversation--at this moment my telephone conversation with my yoga instructor. "Don't be difficult, just pick a time that is available. You could just quit, but you really want to do this so pick a time that is available and you can just work it in. Don't worry--husband and children won't get in the way if you try to squeeze this in on THEIR time, they will gladly step aside and take care of themselves while you are practicing self-care" EEERRRRKKKZZZ. I could literally hear the needle scratching across the vinyl as I confronted the reality that I was standing at the abyss separating me from my yoga practice. I could see the waving arms and clutching hands of my dear, sweet family grabbing at my ankles trying to pull me in. I emerged from this vision as I heard myself explain to the instructor that I was not willing to compromise the freedom I had by attending a class held at a time when childcare was assured ('cause if the kids are cared for, Daddy is overly generous to have me follow my whims). She offered me a spot in the Tuesday morning meditation-yoga class. Disaster averted.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning. As I am backing the van out of the garage I look down and see the time, 8:49am. My yoga class is downtown (between 10th & 11th Streets) and I am pulling out of my driveway at 136th street. Not good. I have to drop the girls at preschool on the way. Not good. But why worry...you can just bust into a meditation class late without disrupting the process, right?!? Given the late hour of morning traffic, I approach the University right at 9:00. I call ahead and ask Ms. Megan if she will meet me outside so I can simply slow down and let the girls leap from the car. She graciously agreed and by 9:04, I was again on Dodge, heading to the Old Market. I parked the car at about 9:12, and as I plugged the meter, the internal commentary cluttered the airwaves with "you don't want to go in late. Maybe you should just call and ask to make up the class at another time." I heard myself say aloud, "no, damn it, you are here now go inside". I chuckled to myself at the realization that any passer-by would be witness to a crazy lady having an argument with herself.

The next 3 hours surpassed my every expectation. For 2 hours I meditated, listened to a reading, centered on a purpose for my yoga practice, practiced yoga, practiced relaxation, meditated again, and then shared tea with my instructor and classmates. The energy of the women in this room was amazing when I entered but the shared energy we created in the process was phenomenal. It was so clear to me that, once again, the Universe had put me EXACTLY where I needed to be.

The third hour was a lunch date with a friend that I do not see very often. I was a little nervous because my friendship with this woman has evolved out of a working relationship but we really have not seen each other socially outside of the collaborative work we have done. As I was sitting across the table from her over mulligatawny soup, samosas, and kabuli nan, I learned of her most recent undertakings in a venture to live out a dream she has had for quite some time. I was struck by how similar our experiences were at the core and how differently we chose to manifest the callings we hear from within. I left this lunch compelled to write this posting.

I came away from my experiences this morning thinking about all that I would have missed had I listened to the nay-sayer within. What I am learning though, is that the nay-sayer is not me. She is not MY voice. Her messages are simply an accumulation of beliefs about what is expected of me as interpreted through my experiences within this life. I think the resistance that Sally talked about is the battle between the nay-sayer and the self. Today I found the most perfect gifts from the Universe waiting for me on the other side of doubt.